Under the bridge
Another one biting the dust
Season 10
Episode 13
Editor’s note
Photo: Vulture; Photo: Well done
The thing with Captain Sandy? She knows how to time an outing. Just 90 minutes before the charter, she calls Alissa on deck and officially fires her.
Alissa’s reaction to the whole situation must be beyond Captain Sandy’s validation. No apologies, no last words, she barely raises a “thank you” and leaves. She tells her colleagues that she was fired for “literally nothing”. Anything that helps you sleep at night. Get that disrespectful diva out of here! It’s the only time I’ll feel bad for Ross, who’s been assigned to escort her off the boat. As Alissa packs her things, she claims Captain Sandy is running a dictatorship. Ross is just staying silent because, honestly, what else can you do?
In her confessional, Alissa likens herself to a scapegoat, saying she’s the only person who “had the balls” to speak out and defend the inside besides Fraser. She says that since it’s impossible for Captain Sandy to replace Fraser (wrong), she had to go after the next best thing (Alissa). Again, anything that helps you sleep at night.
Captain Sandy calls a team meeting and says it’s imperative that everyone on board respect the hierarchy. Fraser takes Captain Sandy aside to let him know that he fully respects his decision and will work hard to be the best chief stew he can be. It works wonders. Captain Sandy praises him, telling him that she admires his ability to calm down and that she believes he will keep his promises. For a people like Fraser, that’s it. I doubt he’ll make a single mistake from now on.
Ben is like a kid on Christmas morning. He runs to tell Camille the good news, and it seems that the two have planned to go to the Dominican Republic together? Good for them.
There’s no more time to talk about Alissa because the ladies (and men) of the pageant are officially coming on board, and they need all the attention, especially Laquish. After Rachel does her due diligence and goes over the lunch menu with the group, Laquish starts screaming for a turkey club. Rachel interrupts lunch to make the sandwich, which Laquish never even touches – infuriating, to say the least. She pulls the same shit later that night, insisting on a midnight snack. She wants her sandwich wrapped, placed in her room, and accompanied by a Sprite. Annoying but understandable. But that’s not all. She also has a special request for dinner tomorrow: a steak wrapped in 24-karat gold. Tasteless and sticky, but safe. Fast forward to bedtime, Laquish emerges to sleep on the couch instead of in his bed. She claims her room is too creepy, so Tyler sets up the couch for her with spare sheets. And that’s just the beginning.
The next day, the guests want Olympics on the beach. Unfortunately the wind is out of the charters and the only beach available is the hideous trash strewn coast we visited a few charters before. Fraser delivers the bad news, insisting that they would all be miserable with the only tenable option. He is absolutely correct with this recommendation. Instead, the crew organizes Olympic Games on board. Fraser delegates this task to Ross because the interior needs time to tackle the guest cabins, which are dirty and soggy. And God bless you – Captain Sandy, who stepped in to help with the turndown service, supports Fraser. For what it’s worth, Hayley compares these guests to “that Sesame Street creature that lives in a garbage can.”
The Olympics are going pretty well. Katie and the main guest win; Ross ogles Katie in her lime green bikini, as usual. While cleaning, Fraser and Hayley discuss how quiet this charter is due to Alissa’s absence. They decide Captain Sandy is an oracle and a crew whisperer, and I agree.
But this cabin cleaning is not enough: these guests need even more towels. Laquish needs one in particular to wash his Hello Kitty. As the guests go upstairs for dinner, Hayley and Tyler are downstairs cleaning up and talking about how messy they are. Classic chat between colleagues…. until a guest named Susan surprises them. To be fair, they’re talking Laquish shit, not Susan, but still. This is not beautiful. Luckily, Susan doesn’t seem to really register what’s going on, and I think this pair is safe from retaliation.
A sweet moment from this charter: John, the only man on this charter, puts on a drag show for his friends. Tyler watches in complete admiration and says he feels inspired by John’s ability to be himself, especially after everything he’s been through. Somebody call Kelsey McKinney ’cause I got her next door Normal gossip episode: John reveals he was once married to a woman and they have a daughter…but one day his wife came home and confessed the baby wasn’t his. She had an affair with someone else! So they divorced, and he got back together, and now he’s here.
Last but not least, Captain Lee finally returns. He calls Captain Sandy to tell him the good news: he has discussed it with his doctor and plans to return to the Caribbean in a few days. Captain Sandy wants to keep this information a secret until he officially returns, because you never know what will happen with the robberies, but it all gives Nanny McPhee a lot. At this point, I’m just waiting for Captain Sandy to disappear into the night sky saying, “When you need me but don’t want me, then I have to stay.” When you want me but don’t need me anymore, then I have to go”.